To the end of a friendship
In my life, I had many friendships that were over, but there was never closure as to why it ended. Maybe this all had a trauma response on me because I didn't understand why it was over. But this time is different; this is my closure "to the end of a friendship."
Friendships in the past
When I was a kid in preschool, I had problems making friends. I can remember my first friends were when I was 6. I don't remember all three girls, but one was my first BFF. After we changed schools in first grade, we lost contact until we met years later on Facebook. That friendship never ended; we just went on a different path in life.
I lost many other friends because we weren't in the same class anymore, so the friendship ended. But none ended on a sour note; only our situation wasn't the same anymore. There are friends I met when I was 15 or met again after more than 10 years; they are still good friends. I can count on my fingers how much they are. Sometimes, I even wonder if I am a good friend.
At the end of the friendship
This girl, u know her for a while, for years. Looking now, I have many doubts about that friendship. Even so, I considered her a good friend; we weren't BFFs, but we were OK with our input in the friendship.
We got into a big fight. After that fight, we rekindled; it even ended with a hug. I thought everything was OK, but I didn't feel it was OK, so I can remember asking her twice if everything was OK until she changed entirely and started ignoring me. I wasn't expecting the friendship to stay the same as it was, but greeting is a basic manner for people you don't have problems with, or at least that is what I thought.
For 3 years, I have been going back and forth on this situation. It bothered me because we were at fault for the problem, but I felt guilty as I was the cause of her problems. She is the cause of all her issues, as I am of mind. So I can't take fault for her decision that brought us all into this mess. I walked around with guilt as if she was the victim, but the truth is, she only cared about herself. She guilt-tripped me with our friendship when she never asked why I didn't do what I did. She only cared about herself.
And I hated her; I was jealous and bitter about her. I wanted to forgive her, but she did something and made me flip again. I was on this Rollercoaster of letting go, but I couldn't let go because I felt the most was unfair. But she was only buttering me; she didn't show that it affected her. That angers me because I cared for someone who wasn't interested long ago. I thought we were fine when it wasn't. I would rather have you tell me you don't want to deal with me, that you do as everything is OK, and ignore me.
Do I miss the friendship? No, not really. At one point, I was happy she had been out of my life for once. Yesterday, I had a big fight because of her. I felt like she did whatever she wanted to end it, and it all backfired on me as I am the problematic one because it couldn't be shown that what she did was on purpose. So, I told her I wanted to fix the issue between us when she could. She didn't answer. So today, I sent my end-of-the-friendship note.
I try not to attach her; I try to give all situations the benefit of the doubt, but it is officially over for me. I felt that I needed to live my life forever in this state. Looking back, I wasted 3 years hating her when there was nothing I wanted to have in her life. So, she can deal with it by not dealing with it. But I need to deal with it by dealing with it. So I ended It on a note that said this friendship is over; let's focus on what we need to do. That was my goodbye letter. She didn't want to acknowledge it with words, but I did.
My prayer
I pray that God helps me to let this thing, where I put it, at his feet. I feel liberated that I let go of it all and accept that she can deal with it now how she wants to deal with it. But this is my way of adding it all.
Moral of the story
Focus on the friendship that matters. I cut the ones that once did, but I do not anymore. It was hard, but it is better with her out of my life than dealing with her fake attitude.
Be blessed, stay blessed
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