What is so awesome about marriage?

I don't know if I am excited about marriage, but I want someone who loves me. One day, I want to have a family and a healthy relationship, but it's not as deep of a desire as I see in other women, as marriage is their life goal.

At a time in my life, I was fixated on knowing who my husband was. It was in 2015 or 2016. Sometimes, I still wonder about my future husband, but it's not that frequent. I still need to work on many childhood traumas, such as abandonment issues, rejection, and so on. I can't get into a relationship without knowing who the Lord has for me. In 2015, maybe I was obsessed with knowing who or where my husband was. Even though I'm not that obsessed anymore, I wonder if the Lord still has someone for me.

Dealing with people in general is a challenging task; imagine marriage. How much grace do I have? Can I forgive his wrongdoings? What about his shortcomings? What is real love? When I think about questions like this, choosing who to marry is tough. Marrying wrong will make your life miserable. I don't want to have a miserable marriage. There will be pain, sadness, and so on. But there will be things you don't need to deal with if you choose right.

While searching for this godly person the Lord has for you, you need to do a lot of work on yourself. It's marriage preparation, but it is more for your growth. About knowing who you are and what you want or need. What are your boundaries? It is also about discernment, faithfulness, and ultimately emerging in Christ. What is the purpose God has for my life?

In 2016, I was convinced I heard God telling me this person was my future husband. It is 2023, and I sometimes wonder if it was true. Nothing happened in all those years. But there is still this little curiosity about whether it is true. I want to close that chapter if it isn't true. I don't want to dwell on something that isn't true. I also have this good friend of mine now, and I believe the Lord showed me that he wasn't the one for me. Deep down, I wish he was the one the Lord has for me. Maybe I was confused and could discern which revelation was the truth. I still haven't figured it out and am scared to ask because I don't want to get a no!

I need to give it entirely in God's hands. He told me in July to trust Him. I still need to figure out precisely what. But I know that he has good plans for me. I know he has someone for me. The problem is that I want to control things, and I'm scared that what he wants for me is not what I want. I also had a dream that told me to write 12:10. I thought it was a bible version. But it can also be the 12th of October when I bought my ring in 2021.

Nothing is making sense when it comes to finding a partner. I must let go and trust the Lord that everything will turn in how he wants. When the time is right, I can recognize the one he has for me, but that the Lord still stays my first love. Because what can I do without God? I can't live without God. So, I will never be in a relationship without his blessings.